I have chosen to suffer.
the pain is hard to locate
we're the new generation
and i'm fucked beyond creation
Maybe it's the depression, not the drugs, that have turned me into a vegetable.
I'm like an onion. Every layer peels away sooner or later. They are different personalities.
And why did I have to lose you? There was nothing more to me than you. You were the brutal truth.
I wish I knew where the pain came from.
I'm very tired, weak. I'm in my bed, I'm in my head.
Beer, weed.
Maybe, maybe I need to know everything to let them in. I like a person in pain. I don't like to cause people pain but I like to help them, to watch them. Interestingly enough, I can manage mine. I like to do it, I think i'm fine. I feel like I can look right through the cracks, I'm not afraid to see. Nine inch nails have grounded me.
It's like they don't care.
they'r right there
but they don't listen to what i'm saying
I could be gone
And I wouldn't care at all
the feeling is drawn out, long
from the pit of my stomach I call
my world is empty
why do i reside in this reality
I know in my head i'm better off
But i cant shake the feeling
that that's not becoming of me
selfish of me
I don't deserve a seperate reality
I need to help my mother
to get stronger, get better
I need to show my little sister
that love exists
life isn't a blind exit.
I don't feel here right now; I couldn't be embarrassed.
So glad I have the top bunk, it's isolating.
this nothingness is intense
seemingly I must feel something
but I am numb
there couldn't be suspense
i'm trying to cross the border
but i just dont care
where's my antidote?
your my antidote
with you, the feelings disappear
with time,
the anger subsides
months and months
of this ubiquitous nothing phase
i think my pain ended
i'm not high anymore
but the vegetable like stage is prolonging
i think i want pain
or I wouldn't be longing
I feel nothing
it's eating me alive
where are my feelings?
day after day
Another day I haven't prayed
when i get high
I couldn't be lower
weed ain't my aphrodisiac anymore
it's the suffering I want more
Ignore the Racist Comments from the little ones
or bite your tongue.
Who stole my heart?
why did it have to part?
forcing these thoughts out
the only thoughts that have come about
squeeze past the receptors
for they'r turned off.
i'm hungry
i'm starving
my passions have been forgotten
Lots of the time my mood depends upon the weather.
sometimes I don't even know any better.
Though i'm getting better
I still reflect upon the weather
I'd like to believe
there's something out there for me.
But how could that be a possibility?
The world is deep
a dark blue sea
this surely must be a dream
cause it don't feel real
Why must i be a fly
A person to pass by
I thought I could see
but where does that get me?
it puts me on my knees
I just fought Shane. Rightfully, I was drunk and we didn't scrap it out with fists. He fights like a pussy for a 16 year old guy. Thusly, I might have to toughen him up.
In all due fairness, I would probably become a fighter again.
I've never experienced this state of total tranquility before. A mindset of chi.
Withall, I think I prefer to fight. It's been a long time since I went there. Dark places. It feels really good though.
My muscles are sore.
I think Shane is one of those people who don't think, he doesn't know. But, he wants too. He needs a reason, he needs a purpose. He's like a little brother to me. I kinda wanna teach him to be angry, to turn it all into anger. To learn composure, to think. To fight.
But that's fucked.
I could listen to one Papa Roach song and flip out. Indeed, music has grounded me. It motivates me, certain songs make me. He needs to stop thinking he's a white rapper. Right now, he's a goof, he has potential though... i think.
Almost makes me want to train again, well it does. But that pupil gets angry as fuck.
I'd probably become even more secluded.
Right now it's like i'm on prozac.
Maybe i'd prefer the end.
The end of it all
But i'd rather read my writing.
I'm just trying this new thing, lettting people in. It feels good even though I go about it dementedly, blurting shit out or creeping in layers.
I feel very vulnerable. Maybe that's why i'm becoming anxious. That's okay though, so much time spent handling anxiety. Although I fucking hate it, it brings about paranoid thinking and shit, I could do that. Just breathe deep.
Actually, I sorta wish I'd be done with Anxiety all together. It fucking feels sick. And i'm getting fat.
I'm feeling at bay
thinking of my ways
i'm rather pleased
i'm considering the training
A purpose for something
For what?
for training.
Too bad i'm such a beast.
What if i'm not even manic depressive, i'm completely bipolar fucked. Really, my state is as such, there are no phases (ever); my mood changes spontaneously, I like to say it reflects upon the weather. And with my sudden bipolar episode mood change, I become consumed. That mood, the feeling, it's ubiquitous. I cannot escape it.
It does though, to truth, worsen in the winter and tranquilize persay in the summer.
I'm listening to Arch Enemy right now, i'm not sure if they are even me. We will rise above, blah, blah, blah. I don't know but this song is fucking pissing me off and i'm changing it.
Put on 'Cold' by Crossfade.
It's not that I hate people in general, I just fucking freak out. Sometimes I like to have 1 p last person that i'm fucking tiiiiight with and fuck-everyone-else-kinda-like-thing. Ok so yeah I like very select people, well right now that is. But i'm really high right now and have been for the past page and passage. I feel this isn't coming out right.
I'm feeling quite anxious right now. Like inside i'm tweaking, and i'm freaking and I might lose control. I've flexed myself upon my bunk.
I'm dreaming of seclusion for months. I'm sick of everyone. Just leave me alone.
I just fucking freak out. I think i'm kinda like Keith in the sense that he thinks he takes on peoples persona-
OMG now I feel like i'm taking on his-
I'm thinking fucking paranoidly right now and when I write out my random analyzing thoughts they sound retardedly fucking fucked.
Seemingly-timeless-vortex-of-nothingness
Critical-analysis-of-fuck-one-more-time. Tied-up-in-humanity-expectations of normality. Sick-and-acidic. Picture-the-destruction-within-it.
Why don't I fit in this world. Why do I have to be such a stupid little girl.
My personality has staled, the anxiety has peaked. Paranoid thinking, over analyzing. I'm becoming delusional and confused. I've decided I want to take an antidepressant. All my life i've managed my symptoms. Now, they've peaked. I'm pretty sure it's the depression, not the drugs, that have made me zombie like. I cannot concentrate, cant sleep, I can't remember hardly anything. I cannot understand words. I DETEST my hair and skin. Extremely low self-esteem, I feel as if i have no self-esteem, if that's possible. I'm indecisive, very confused with life and my anxiety has sky rocketed. OCD compulsions. I'm going to record my performance on this. Tomorrow is Sunday, i'm going to go to the walk-in on Monday. I think this might be really good for me, I might feel normal. I'm completely isolating myself from society again, I feel lonley.
My 2nd earliest memory, I just randomly remembered it tonight. When dad kicked mom out of the house in Burns. She came home, outside on the porch (steps?)... I think steps...steps and she was wearing purple shorts. He squished her arm in the door when she tried to get in. Cause he was in the shower, I remember he came out in his towel...he had short hair then. Apparently, Sarah or Kim answered the door and then dad intervened and mom told Sarah to call the cops. This part though, i'm skeptical about it being a memory as it merely could be a delusion of the mind because i've heard that story many times. I think we were eating nachos and salsa.
All of a sudden I remembered another memory, an earlier one. I think I was probably 1 and a half. It was winter. Me and Kim and Jhonny five were at the top of the large hill behind our house. For some reason, perhaps arrogance...possibly even narcissism, I pushed Jhonny Five down the hill and he ran back up and pushed me down. Kim then defended me and pushed him down.
October 23
It's friday. I'm a stupid kid.
My methods are detrimental
I started taking Citalopram yesterday, i'm not too sure why. I want too feel normal.
My feelings are contradicting to us.
I'm not sure why
The other part of me is nothing
it's a struggle to be with somebody
i cant release
i cant open up at ease
i'm not as i seem to bet
I dont even feel like me
I think i'm falling in love
Last time,
that didn't end well.
I wish I didn't fall
i really do want it
i want it all.
I miss Keith. I need a fucking smoke. Contemplating snorting some grind.
I shouldn't.
I didn't.
I won't.
I wish I knew how to draw.
October 28
I went on an EXT binge. High on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Good shit. But not really, i'm stupid for doing that. Good fucking start for my antidepressant huh. I kinda feel like i'm not right for Keith. I mean, he's perfect for me, he's gorgeous and tall, he's a musician, he can sing, he's intelligent, he's caring, he's ambitious and outgoing, he's responsible and fucking independent. Plus he's self-sufficient.
And i'm fucked. I dont deserve him.
October 31
I've been taking Citalopram for 10 days now. I haven't written cause I feel the need to write when i'm down. They've kicked in I suppose. They have altered my state of mind. Although, I feel normal, this is how I used to be, the happy old me. I first noticed it kicked in 2 days ago on Thursday. Thursday night to be precise, I all of a sudden got really stoked (excited). I haven't felt excitement for...a long time. I can't remember the last time I was excited. I was talking to my whole family about the H1N1 vaccination and the RDN1 chips. I was actually genuinely interested in it. I haven't been interested in anything for a long time.
Nov. 10 2009
Keith broke up with me yesterday. These pills made me emotionally numb mostly...well nothing can really phase me. I wan't to cry but where would that get me. my mind is mostly blank, and I cannot concentrate on my school work. I want to be angry, because I really wanted him, he's basically everything I want in a guy and there's no one else like him.
Fuck it.
I'm not made for relationships. I'm surprised, though, that he endured me for that long. I don't have any motivation right now- for school, a job, life, to even get my ass off my bunk bed.
I'm kind of relieved he broke up with me though. He deserved someone better, someone stronger. I've endured alot of pain but I don't think I have anything to show from it.
I could die
but i'd rather read my writings
i want to smoke a fucking joint.
I want weed. I want to get high.
Up against him, I felt like a fucking fly. He's smart and strong and sexy and he was someone. He's talented.
I could bury my head in the sand for the rest of my life. Fuck I just jumped up on the white wardrobe to get up on my bed and it broke. That fucking makes me feel really secure. Fuck. I'm not even really that pissed or sad. I just need time to think. I must think.
I feel really empty and alone though. This could be my destiny.
Either i'm really niaeve or my mom is superly paranoid. Julie's being a walking vagina. A FUCKING BITCH ON A FREIGHT TRAIN.
I almost fee-
Anyways I Have To Get A Job.
November 13 2009
Yesterday I smoked some laced weed I think. It made me feel so fucked, uncomfortable in my skin. Now my whole perception of this house is distorted-from the bad trip. I hate it. It makes me sick. I was feeling/ am feeling so anxious and fucked. But this 1mg Atavan is kicking in.
Jeeze I wrote you
Janurary 7 2010
Just got back from a Three Days Grace concert. Moshing! Fuck yeah, i love new experiences, they make life.
Janurary 17th 2010
Well;shit. I'm sad, I need a job. Keith just left a few hours ago but I miss him. I feel so weird. Home doesn't make me feel stable. Kim's moving out and i'm goanna get her room. Mom and Kevin said they are goanna deadbolt the door. This really offends me, I feel like last year's happening again. They don't trust me not to have partys. I'm really crushed, this gives me no responsibilities. I need 100% independence and trust. This makes me want to leave. Tomorrow i'm goanna try and find a job. Goodnight blue journal.
Feburary 4th 2010
I- A feeling, a full life and no time for meditation. Too much, so much. I cannot be alone; I won't be alone so I have to hurt him. My life is turmoiling, my feelings are cut open. And oh the anxiety, what else could it be.
It was my moms birthday on the 1st. I got her Lindit chocolate, a hot water balloon, a t.v. razor that's supossed to last forever and a little make-up pack. stupid. I can't even get her a nice gift. She didn't have cake. I need to make next year special for her.
He doesn't understand my isolation.
It's my life.
And it hurts me a great deal too see him so frustrated over it.
I will not change, i've already suppressed it.
I filled out an application for the esteem program today. I will hand it in, hopefully tomorrow. I really hope i get in it.
It's late, I have to get up early tomorrow, but i'm not feeling so good-mind wise. Keith is in the living room, he is mad at me because I said I wanna be alone tomorrow.
Maybe i'm OCD.
Feb 4th 2010?
fuck i've wanted a smoke soo bad but I dont have one. I tried to roll a butt smoke, before I could pick up the ash tray, Kevin grabbed it and threw them in the garbage.
So Thankful I remember I have Sheesha and coals, it's calming.
Keith wants me to help him, I try but am limited, it's so hard for me to express my emotions. Lots of times my mind just shuts off. And when I get in a negative mindset, I cannot speak, my voice in not there.
I feel like all I do is hurt him.
It's because I dont talk. But he doesn't realize that i've opened up soo much to him. More than i've ever opened up to anyone, ever.
It's so hard, and I try the piss out of it.
I think he needs somebody who can talk to him and live with him.
Not like negative me over here.
I can't even have sex. I have too many problems for him and he doesn't understand the half of them. I can't explain my horrid feelings.
I don't think he realizes the potential in other girls because he's in love with me. I hope it's not just the idea of me because if i stopped being ideal- didn't have sex, didn't ever open up, partied with other people or spent lots of time not around him, he would leave me I supose.
fuck, why do I have to be me.
I'm not mean't to be with anyone, I feel like I-
slowly kill them... this always happens. I-
My mom is laughing with Kevin in the living room. Oh mother, how little you know. I feel like a giant bag of shit.
The thought of losing him is so scary because he's like...my support tower.
I was in bed and he took my hand.
I don't deserve Keith.
I feel like...I don't know I'm confused.
I think he's be better without me.
Feb 11/10
My life's been a big surprise. I write in ink so my words seep into the paper.
I don't know if i'd be able to live with myself.
My life is a deadrut. Release me from this deadrut.
All I ever wanted was to be happy. Seems i've traveled far from earth.
I'm retarded, i'm dazed, i'm crazy mad for a cigarette.
I can't sew. I never knew. If I knew i would of pushed. I'm a blank slate covered in saran wrap.
I haven't collected anything, i'm always blank.
I walk amongst and try to fit in, straightening my hair or rocking. I leave that place and my 'identity' slides right off my mask.
My room is filled with pictures, the white would remind me of nothing. Women, men, alcohol, anti-cigarettes, weed, nature, sports, sex, war, politics, drugs, art, world peace, america, afghan. Is this me? I couldn't possibly be. These pictures keep me company.
Right now, I dont wanna fit in. I thought I knew who I was.
I DONT know
I DONT KNOW
I DONT KNOW
I DONT KNOW
I DONT Know!
Everything- i'm drowning.
Whatever happened to my family? Why does god allow this? God? Me. There's just me.
I wish Keith could see how much he means to me, how much I love him.
He thinks I still have feelings for Shane. I could care less about the puke. I've lost all respect for him. I'm pissed he's dating Julie though, honestly, she deserves better. I supose I haven't been a good influence on her, and I feel horrible. I was teasing them today and Shane said I was jealous of them, what a fag. I'm so lucky, I don't even deserve what I have.
I need to uh...break them up, Shane is just goanna end up hurting her...I think (unless the other way around)
Firstly, I need to spend more time with Julie so she's not around him, or am i a bitch?
Because I was teasing them today, Shane called Dennis and tattle tailed on me. Dennis wanted to talk to me and tried reaming me out, he realized Shane was shenanigans.
I wish I could treat Keith better but it's hard, half the time I don't realize what i'm doing, the other half I suppose, I can't speak or help myself. I hurt him so much because of this. In turn it hurts me. I hurt me. Keith is so perfect, i've always been looking for him, I can feel it.
Feb 12 2010
I feel so unwelcomed here. I feel they'r acting strange, uncomfortable around me. I'm a stranger in my own home. I am up for grabs.
My belongings are
scattered.
I'm sitting on this couch, a couch I know nothing about.
I wanted to watch a movie, my mom said it wasn't for children.
Feb 16/10
Such a lonely day. It's almost 9pm. I've been trying to call Keith but I don't know his dads number. I looked it up in the phone book and the number turned out being his grandmas. I hope they weren't sleeping.
I feel sick, like nauseas and a headache.. this seems to be happening every day at night! I feel so sick it might be worse tonight because I took an antidepressant. this was because my mom and I started talking about the house problems- Kevin, Teisha. I told mom not to keep it inside and to talk to Kevin about it. She did and I heard them arguing/yelling in the bedroom. I wanted to cry.
I feel like vomiting, too sick to document.
not to self: I can't leave mom, not in her shit,
Feb 17/10
It separates me, i'm pieces of my former self. The headache relief has started working.
I'm a Martian. I'm an infant.
I'm a caveman. I'm a reject.
I'm pieces of my former self.
And who did I used to be?
I was happy. I was innocent. I was curious. I was a bug. or was the happiness a mask, forcing a laugh when I felt a tear. Did I even know what was real anymore? Maybe the innocence was a front, I wasn't innocent on the inside, I wasn't innocent alone by my bed side. My curiosity got to me, I could never satisfy my urge to see.
It was a destructive curiosity. Was it?ever
I am a bug, living in my shell, it protects me from the world. Sometimes I shed and I am a sponge in society. I am vulnerable, I don't care. I am a bug.
I am a junebug.
Like all bugs, I grew my shell. I grew my shell through labor. I thought I was a Martian because I don't fit on this earth. I belong underground, in the dirt. Alone in the dirt, asexual.
I am a pest. I burrow through the crowds. I crawl past the pain, I hide from the giants.
Mar 8th/10
The sugar.
And I can't stop thinking about it, even after I gained the weight. I set it aside because it only hurt me. Times like these, I regret handed out exile. And on the inside I go numb, there's nothing but pain.
Mar 25th 10
hmm. I should be doing school but I can't stop thinking about the drugs, the unfit feeling, the anger. and Fuck am i getting angry again. I can easily move out if I get a job. I am rotting; I have been; I keep rotting. The sloth in me can't fathom life, work.
I don't wanna be that guy.
April 20 2010
That's it, i'm moving out. Lets start here.
Money. hmm....
21st
I'm torn between two, Edmonton or here. Would I be running away? I always run away.
There is a place to do my education + get a job.
I don't think I care about them
running away
Here
Keith
I can face life
my family + friends
He doesn't understand my isolation.
It's my life.
And it hurts me a great deal too see him so frustrated over it.
I will not change, i've already suppressed it.
I filled out an application for the esteem program today. I will hand it in, hopefully tomorrow. I really hope i get in it.
It's late, I have to get up early tomorrow, but i'm not feeling so good-mind wise. Keith is in the living room, he is mad at me because I said I wanna be alone tomorrow.
Maybe i'm OCD.
Feb 4th 2010?
fuck i've wanted a smoke soo bad but I dont have one. I tried to roll a butt smoke, before I could pick up the ash tray, Kevin grabbed it and threw them in the garbage.
So Thankful I remember I have Sheesha and coals, it's calming.
Keith wants me to help him, I try but am limited, it's so hard for me to express my emotions. Lots of times my mind just shuts off. And when I get in a negative mindset, I cannot speak, my voice in not there.
I feel like all I do is hurt him.
It's because I dont talk. But he doesn't realize that i've opened up soo much to him. More than i've ever opened up to anyone, ever.
It's so hard, and I try the piss out of it.
I think he needs somebody who can talk to him and live with him.
Not like negative me over here.
I can't even have sex. I have too many problems for him and he doesn't understand the half of them. I can't explain my horrid feelings.
I don't think he realizes the potential in other girls because he's in love with me. I hope it's not just the idea of me because if i stopped being ideal- didn't have sex, didn't ever open up, partied with other people or spent lots of time not around him, he would leave me I supose.
fuck, why do I have to be me.
I'm not mean't to be with anyone, I feel like I-
slowly kill them... this always happens. I-
My mom is laughing with Kevin in the living room. Oh mother, how little you know. I feel like a giant bag of shit.
The thought of losing him is so scary because he's like...my support tower.
I was in bed and he took my hand.
I don't deserve Keith.
I feel like...I don't know I'm confused.
I think he's be better without me.
Feb 11/10
My life's been a big surprise. I write in ink so my words seep into the paper.
I don't know if i'd be able to live with myself.
My life is a deadrut. Release me from this deadrut.
All I ever wanted was to be happy. Seems i've traveled far from earth.
I'm retarded, i'm dazed, i'm crazy mad for a cigarette.
I can't sew. I never knew. If I knew i would of pushed. I'm a blank slate covered in saran wrap.
I haven't collected anything, i'm always blank.
I walk amongst and try to fit in, straightening my hair or rocking. I leave that place and my 'identity' slides right off my mask.
My room is filled with pictures, the white would remind me of nothing. Women, men, alcohol, anti-cigarettes, weed, nature, sports, sex, war, politics, drugs, art, world peace, america, afghan. Is this me? I couldn't possibly be. These pictures keep me company.
Right now, I dont wanna fit in. I thought I knew who I was.
I DONT know
I DONT KNOW
I DONT KNOW
I DONT KNOW
I DONT Know!
Everything- i'm drowning.
Whatever happened to my family? Why does god allow this? God? Me. There's just me.
I wish Keith could see how much he means to me, how much I love him.
He thinks I still have feelings for Shane. I could care less about the puke. I've lost all respect for him. I'm pissed he's dating Julie though, honestly, she deserves better. I supose I haven't been a good influence on her, and I feel horrible. I was teasing them today and Shane said I was jealous of them, what a fag. I'm so lucky, I don't even deserve what I have.
I need to uh...break them up, Shane is just goanna end up hurting her...I think (unless the other way around)
Firstly, I need to spend more time with Julie so she's not around him, or am i a bitch?
Because I was teasing them today, Shane called Dennis and tattle tailed on me. Dennis wanted to talk to me and tried reaming me out, he realized Shane was shenanigans.
I wish I could treat Keith better but it's hard, half the time I don't realize what i'm doing, the other half I suppose, I can't speak or help myself. I hurt him so much because of this. In turn it hurts me. I hurt me. Keith is so perfect, i've always been looking for him, I can feel it.
Feb 12 2010
I feel so unwelcomed here. I feel they'r acting strange, uncomfortable around me. I'm a stranger in my own home. I am up for grabs.
My belongings are
scattered.
I'm sitting on this couch, a couch I know nothing about.
I wanted to watch a movie, my mom said it wasn't for children.
Feb 16/10
Such a lonely day. It's almost 9pm. I've been trying to call Keith but I don't know his dads number. I looked it up in the phone book and the number turned out being his grandmas. I hope they weren't sleeping.
I feel sick, like nauseas and a headache.. this seems to be happening every day at night! I feel so sick it might be worse tonight because I took an antidepressant. this was because my mom and I started talking about the house problems- Kevin, Teisha. I told mom not to keep it inside and to talk to Kevin about it. She did and I heard them arguing/yelling in the bedroom. I wanted to cry.
I feel like vomiting, too sick to document.
not to self: I can't leave mom, not in her shit,
Feb 17/10
It separates me, i'm pieces of my former self. The headache relief has started working.
I'm a Martian. I'm an infant.
I'm a caveman. I'm a reject.
I'm pieces of my former self.
And who did I used to be?
I was happy. I was innocent. I was curious. I was a bug. or was the happiness a mask, forcing a laugh when I felt a tear. Did I even know what was real anymore? Maybe the innocence was a front, I wasn't innocent on the inside, I wasn't innocent alone by my bed side. My curiosity got to me, I could never satisfy my urge to see.
It was a destructive curiosity. Was it?
I am a bug, living in my shell, it protects me from the world. Sometimes I shed and I am a sponge in society. I am vulnerable, I don't care. I am a bug.
I am a junebug.
Like all bugs, I grew my shell. I grew my shell through labor. I thought I was a Martian because I don't fit on this earth. I belong underground, in the dirt. Alone in the dirt, asexual.
I am a pest. I burrow through the crowds. I crawl past the pain, I hide from the giants.
Mar 8th/10
The sugar.
And I can't stop thinking about it, even after I gained the weight. I set it aside because it only hurt me. Times like these, I regret handed out exile. And on the inside I go numb, there's nothing but pain.
Mar 25th 10
hmm. I should be doing school but I can't stop thinking about the drugs, the unfit feeling, the anger. and Fuck am i getting angry again. I can easily move out if I get a job. I am rotting; I have been; I keep rotting. The sloth in me can't fathom life, work.
I don't wanna be that guy.
April 20 2010
That's it, i'm moving out. Lets start here.
Money. hmm....
21st
I'm torn between two, Edmonton or here. Would I be running away? I always run away.
There is a place to do my education + get a job.
I don't think I care about them
running away
Here
Keith
I can face life
my family + friends
